New Fox Reality Series – Dumpster Diving
for the Elderly
Fox Television today announced
plans to air a new reality series next season, “Dumpster Diving for the Elderly.”
In this new series, elderly people who have “lost” their social security investment accounts will compete
to see who can glean the most food and living materials from the dumpsters of famous people.
Fox spokesman Roger Ailes, who has newly taken over the entertainment division, said, “With the prospective passage
of the President’s Social Security privatization plan, the elderly are going to have to get used to this. We hope to inspire them, and maybe give them some good “how to” tips.”
Fox gave some details of the pilot
episode, which featured four contestants. The first was Joseph Miller, who had
worked for fifty years as a clerk for Arthur Anderson. “I never thought
I would be in this situation,” he said. “I didn’t have a pension
from Arthur Anderson, but I diligently saved money in my 401K account. And I
invested in all in good, blue chip companies – clients of my employer – like ENRON, Worldcom and Tyco.” “But,” he added, “its not all bad.
My work at Arthur Anderson gave me some good ideas for the show. Not too
many people know that Ken Lay, Bernie Ebbers and the others all had pension and retirement accounts that the government couldn’t
touch. I did my dumpster diving outside of their houses, and I did very well.
I found a really good shower curtain and umbrella stand outside of Dennis Kozslowski’s house. The only worthless thing I found was a homemade audiotape. It was of Ken Lay’s wife, singing “Nobody
knows the trouble I’ve seen.” It was pretty bad.
The most intriguing contestant
was Jose Manilla, a recent immigrant to the United States from Mexico. “I
vent to der Governor’s hause in Sacramento,” he said. “I vas
disappointed that there vas no food there. All that vas there vere a bunch of old pills.
I took them and I soon grew to six voot four, three hundred pounds. Unvortunately, my testicles shriveled up and vell
George Michaelman, a former employee
of Fox, was another contestant. “I thought I would find a lot of good stuff
in the dumpsters outside of Fox,” he said. “I went there and there were a whole lot of falafel in there. But it
looked like someone had done something weird with them, so I let them be.” “My
next step,” he said, “was to go over to the dumpsters outside of CBS. All
that was in their dumpster, however, were their backbones and testicles. I was
pretty spooked, because on the way over there I went past a cemetery where Edward R. Murrow’s was buried. There was a weird sound, like something down there was spinning around and around. So I got out of there.”
The final contestant was William
Smith of Washington, D.C. “I thought I would try the dumpsters outside
the houses of the Supreme Court Justices,” he said. “My first stop
was the dumpster outside of Clarence Thomas’ house. I found a bunch of
old adult videos there. It seems that Mrs. Thomas had found them. But when I tried to take them away, Justice Thomas ran after me, took them back, and hid them in his basement.” Mr. Smith had another idea, however. “I
thought I would go to Justice Scalia’s house. When I got there, Justice Scalia and Dick Cheney popped out of the dumpster, with shot guns in their hands! As I was running away, I heard Scalia holler, ‘just say ‘quack’ mister, I dare you!’”
The show has already lined up a
number of sponsors. One of the sponsors will be a H & R Gonif, a penny stock broker from Denver and Dewey Cheatum, a law
firm from Dallas that specializes in defending white collar criminals. Also featured
on the show will be advertisements for the new Halliburton “Rumsfield Fighting Vehicle.” This update on the Bradley Fighting Vehicle has no cannon, no rockets and no armor, but it does have a
very large loudspeaker.