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Opponents Politicizing Apple Biting, Adam Says

Compiled from wire reports:

Dateline, Garden of Eden, In testimony before his Maker today, Adam expressed regret and outrage over the alleged eating of the apple by certain members of his administration. We will conduct a full and thorough investigation and will punish those who are found to be responsible, said Adam. But Lord, you can plainly see the difference between our administration here in Eden and other creatures. Unlike like others, we really care about apples. Adam went on to state that the eating of the apple took place on my watch, and I am deeply sorry. Adam then refused to leave the Garden of Eden. I have apologized, so there should be no repercussions from my actions. Those who are calling for our expulsion from Eden are just trying to politicize this incident for their own gain. If I thought that I could no longer be an effective gardener, I would leave Eden in a minute, Adam said.

In a related story, Adam addressed rumors of dissent within his family. In a new book by tiresome author Bob Woodward Plan of A Snack, An Inside Story of Adams War Against the Apple Munchers, Woodward reveals that there is serious enmity between Adams two sons, Cain and Able. There is no truth to that story, Cain has the greatest of respect and admiration for Able, and looks forward to serving in the next generation of Garden of Eden dwellers with him.

Dateline, Egypt The Pharaoh today denied accusations that his policies had anything to do with the plagues that were afflicting Egypt. We believe that the water in rivers turning into blood is only a natural, passing phenomenon, the Pharaoh said. Our Healthy Nile initiative will soon have the waters flowing smoothly again. Commenting on the multitude of frogs swarming over the country, Pharaoh said, This is what happens when environmental zealots get their way. We are going to repeal the Endangered Species Act, so that we can bring the frogs, gnats, flies and other pests under control. Pharaoh also announced that he had contracted with Halliburton, who will be paid 17 billion gold coins to wipe out the breeding grounds of certain locust species.

Pharaoh was speaking from the coastline of the Red Sea, where the Egyptian army had Moses and his followers cornered. Pharaoh was posing in a chariot and full battle armor, with a sign behind him saying Mission Accomplished. The people need firm and decisive leadership from their Pharaoh, he said. He then ordered his army to chase Moses, who was attempting a dash across the dry Red Sea-bed. People have to know that when the Pharaoh says something, he means it, he repeated, as he ordered his troops into the rapidly closing sea bottom. When confronted with the news that his entire army had been swept away in the flood. Pharaoh brushed off the news. We never said it would be easy, he said. You will have your good days and your bad days. But are we making progress? You bet!


Dateline Bethlehem (Editors note Reports from certain shepherds indicate that unto us a Savior is born. While this appears to be the Truth, some parts of the story lack credibility. In particular, no one believes that the Bush administration could produce Three Wise Men.)