Compiled from wire reports:
Dateline, Garden of Eden, In testimony before his Maker
today, Adam expressed regret and outrage over the alleged eating of the apple by certain members of his administration. We
will conduct a full and thorough investigation and will punish those who are found to be responsible, said Adam. But Lord,
you can plainly see the difference between our administration here in Eden and other creatures. Unlike like others, we really
care about apples. Adam went on to state that the eating of the apple took place on my watch, and I am deeply sorry. Adam
then refused to leave the Garden of Eden. I have apologized, so there should be no repercussions from my actions. Those who
are calling for our expulsion from Eden are just trying to politicize this incident for their own gain. If I thought that
I could no longer be an effective gardener, I would leave Eden in a minute, Adam said.
In a related story, Adam addressed
rumors of dissent within his family. In a new book by tiresome author Bob Woodward Plan of A Snack, An Inside Story of Adams
War Against the Apple Munchers, Woodward reveals that there is serious enmity between Adams two sons, Cain and Able. There
is no truth to that story, Cain has the greatest of respect and admiration for Able, and looks forward to serving in the next
generation of Garden of Eden dwellers with him.
Dateline, Egypt The Pharaoh today denied accusations that his policies
had anything to do with the plagues that were afflicting Egypt. We believe that the water in rivers turning into blood is
only a natural, passing phenomenon, the Pharaoh said. Our Healthy Nile initiative will soon have the waters flowing smoothly
again. Commenting on the multitude of frogs swarming over the country, Pharaoh said, This is what happens when environmental
zealots get their way. We are going to repeal the Endangered Species Act, so that we can bring the frogs, gnats, flies and
other pests under control. Pharaoh also announced that he had contracted with Halliburton, who will be paid 17 billion gold
coins to wipe out the breeding grounds of certain locust species.
Pharaoh was speaking from the coastline of the Red
Sea, where the Egyptian army had Moses and his followers cornered. Pharaoh was posing in a chariot and full battle armor,
with a sign behind him saying Mission Accomplished. The people need firm and decisive leadership from their Pharaoh, he said.
He then ordered his army to chase Moses, who was attempting a dash across the dry Red Sea-bed. People have to know that when
the Pharaoh says something, he means it, he repeated, as he ordered his troops into the rapidly closing sea bottom. When confronted
with the news that his entire army had been swept away in the flood. Pharaoh brushed off the news. We never said it would
be easy, he said. You will have your good days and your bad days. But are we making progress? You bet!
Bethlehem (Editors note Reports from certain shepherds indicate that unto us a Savior is born. While this appears to be the
Truth, some parts of the story lack credibility. In particular, no one believes that the Bush administration could produce
Three Wise Men.)